An Evening With David Sedaris from the Mediocre Seats

I had the good luck and years of bad spending habits to get hugely inflated tickets to see David Sedaris’ reading at Paramount Theatre in Denver this last Friday.

Ticket prices and gouging is definitely in the top ten of my Annoying Things right now. They sell out in seconds and are then hugely priced (and profitable….) on apps or street corners. Seeing a band or attending an event requires SEAL Team Six level planning or at least budgeting.

I was not disappointed. The best part about attending live is the whole alive part. As with bands, I would eventually have the opportunely to experience most the material in a book or recording.

My favorite part of the evening was the questions at the end. The first I rolled my eyes out as someone blurted it, nervous and breathless from in front of me in Orchestra Left (note: these people and their good tickets and bravery at asking corny questions astonish me. Some people have it all…).

“What would you like to be remembered for?” they breathed.

David didn’t roll his eyes and was very kind, but did basically shrug for a few moments. “Well… not my writing…. My writing’s not going to change the world or anything.” He actually shrugged, his shoulders high and nearly comically expressive in his blazer, looked around while pondering and almost starting in on elaborating. The audience squirmed and chucked awkwardly, sympathy echoing from from those shy, queer growing up questions like “is there any special girl at school?” or “what do you want to be when you grow up” or something.

Then he said, “You know, a few months back I was at a reading…” Apparently, afterward a women, a representative of the governor of Kentucky, had come up and made the man an honorary Kentucky Colonel. Papers were signed, photos taken and a red tie bestowed along with the privilege of box luxury at the Kentucky Derby. It’s the highest honor the governor of Kentucky can give out, and not even in person!

“So yeah, I’d like it if my obituary mentioned that I’m a Kentucky Colonel.”

If that sad story unfolds, I know at the very least I will remember the Colonel fondly, inspired by the bestselling author’s modesty and humor.

Being Special & Friday the 13th

The weather is fucking fine and it’s Friday the 13th.

I have developed a decidedly positive outlook of this unlucky day for a number of reasons. The loudest reason being the added conversational fodder for myself and my brethren who struggle against awkward silences in line at the mini mart. Or worse, forced conversation with someone known but avoided at all costs.

These people manage to slip in an elevator or get assigned the same table at the company party, so it’s nice to have some faux topics. The weather is always there, but on Friday the 13th, everyone has a story.

We’ve all heard the stories: the 13th a coworker discovered the cheating; the lost or locked-in keys; the ticket; the string of a bad day retold with the expectation of pity and laughs.

Who doesn’t love some self deprecation?

Like most people, I have also have an affinity for black cats, split poles and stepped-on cracks. Bad luck omens of American urban legend. The answer why is clear: it’s easier to imagine that when random bad things happens, that it’s not only out of our control, but also preordained fate — the result of of mysterious and cruel forces.

Things that suck tend to suck less if they make you special. And being able to shirk some blame or even the added hue to partial, begrudging responsibility.

Or you just fall down the stairs and ponder a bit too much in bed.

But how was your day?

 

The Boy with the Insane Clown Posse Tattoo – poem

the Axeman, a rainbow filling his insides
planted prominent and proud on his left pec
he bared it all, proud to share
the boy with the insane clown posse tattoo

he told my friend i was sexy in her boots
they fit me perfectly and came to my knees
it was some night we were all dancing and spilling our drinks
i smoked weed until i didn’t know anything and hoped he would like me

i got his number and we shared embarrassing things
the shame that comes from being different and Nebraskan
like his arm was sore from jacking off instead of meeting strangers
like the sex and love addicts meetings talked about but never went to

queer communion, sharing where you’ve been
what is not normally considered, a bridged gap
filled with death threats, snorting chemicals
we cross the world with experimentation

picking up labels for other people to use
because it’s fucking tedious explaining there aren’t rules
to fluids of sex, roles and gender
the boy with the insane clown posse tattoo, he taught me

not to judge like a goddamn fool

Guac – short receipt-scrawled poem

dear guy with the vascular arms shopping for produce

you said “hey” in your gray, thin and faded t-shirt that i could see your nipples through

lemon or lime juice can keep guacamole from browning

i think it’s a convention not to lead with an apology

so there you are. i’m sorry i’m not better at conversation

i guess i knew you had everything you needed, but you were interested in me

i should have said something about firmness and let you catch me averting my eyes

these avocados and i have the same thing in common

we may never be ready but we’re still pretty good

with the right spices, compliments you carefully chose

if we’re soft enough to settle and let you know we’re yours

We are Home: A Denver Transplant Story

First of all, may the Broncos prevail over the Cowboys today!

I moved to Denver around three years ago and was a little more than culture shocked.

One aspect that really jarred me was the Native Vs. Transplant battle in which I still remain an unwilling and confused participant. Nothing compared to the anti-immigration environment in which we are living in 2017 today with the recent repeal of Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA), upending the lives, families and communities around 800,000 participants.

Summed up well in Westworld’s The Mayday Experiment: Dear Denver Transplants, Here’s What You’re Missing… are the sentiments and mutterings you hear at the grocery store and coffee shops. Sneerings for things like not knowing the beer is less potent than when procured from a liquor store or past stadium location, name and history.

I’m just trying to live! It’s important to remember that we’re all human with our own histories and struggles beneath the buzzwords and labels. With that, we can hopefully begin to act with compassion. Here’s my internal narrative of a summer day shortly after I cruised into town in 2013. Go Broncos!


THIS IS THE ‘W’ LINE TO UNION STATION

A jolt, I’m up from my light rail seat, rushing out the accordion door. I look around, hear the mechanical whoosh of the train speeding away behind me and wonder why I don’t know where I am. The parking garage nearby shades the whole area, at the foot of a dark castle.

I got off on the wrong stop.

Adele Arakawa is the voice of Denver. It’s almost impossible to have lived or visited and not heard her voice. Recently retired after 43 years in broadcasting and delivering the nightly NBC news to the Front Range for 23 years, she guides us. To our homes and destinations on Denver International Airport terminals, blurting out the street names on RTD buses and trains, a requirement that’s helpful but also makes me feel nervous and rushed with anticipation.

It’s not Adele’s fault. I get anxious in general, sometimes panicky in public. This leads to sweating, social deafness and racing thoughts like “don’t get off on the wrong stop, don’t get off on the wrong stop…”

And here we are. I check the map and see that I’m about three stops from home and decide to walk rather than wait for the next train.

Approaching actual train tracks, mechanical arms begin to descend, red lights flashing and an urgent tone pulsing as a train blows its whistle. I am far enough away from the tracks to see car after car and caboose after caboose snake their way into the distance. The other walkers sigh collectively, pull out their phone and shift on the hot pavement; it is going to be a wait.

        There is a little queue of us: walking commuters, fresh off a suburban light-rail that wound into the bustling heart of the city; a few travelers on bicycles and one man relaxing in the backseat of his vacant peddicab. In the lucky shade of the overpass, we all settled on the concrete. A couple of strangers near me are chatting in conversational tones and I make sure to turn off the walking GPS navigation on my phone. I can picture crossing the tracks and seeming like a complete tourist when Siri would tell me,“Turn right in 500 feet.”

I start to look around the crowd; a man in front of me finishes a cigarette, throwing it to the ground and stamping it around in high-top shoes. An older woman in a blue, sporty uniform — her hair many shades of gray, black and white like a fine pencil sketch. The train cars go by and by, replicants with the occasional tattoo of graffiti setting them apart for an instant at a time. I glance at the actual tattoos of strangers whose story I will never know. A colorful owl peers at me from the arm of a man balancing on the pedals of his mountain bike.

I relax. The last caboose capps off the train, the arms creak up and the last electric ding of the warning bell echoes against the walls of the overpass. My feet move quick, carried by my legs more used to bicycling long distance than walking. I am excited to be a smarter, savvy commuter that has the sense to bring their bike to the light rail.

So of course it was stolen. Walking around the back of the apartment building to check the tire pressure before going inside, I found only my lock curled around the sturdy metal poles of the bike rack. Confusion bloomed in my brain and anger eased its way from ember into fire in depth of my stomach. They met somewhere in the middle of my chest and I only felt disappointment and a lingering sadness related to losing a favorite toy as a little kid. Nothing floods my brain like losing something. A pen, my phone, a shirt. My life stops and my brain whirls into action until I can locate it or reason myself to stop looking. Here, there was nothing to do.

THIS IS THE ‘E’ LINE TO EMOTIONAL COLLAPSE.

Sometimes, one sadness is linked to another in a web that arches into intricate clusters of experience and heartache. My arms, my face, my back are scarred from tripping and limping and falling from that web. I know all I can do is sleep and wait to be untangled again.

***

I wake up to the sounds of excited voices. I don’t need to look out the window to know they’re probably wearing football jerseys and hats. My friend’s studio apartment sits on the corner of a busy intersection down the street from a NFL stadium. It’s game day.

I just moved to the city and I’m crashing, my bed docked in the corner of a living room like a life raft with baskets of my clothes buoyed nearby. The rest of my possessions are tucked away in closets and in the basements of friends’. Spread out enough that I’m not sure where certain things are but sure they’re somewhere. I don’t have things, but I do own things.

This neighborhood is changing, new cubelike houses and renovated buildings sit beside and between the old stack brick houses and complexes that boast their charm and character more than modern animinities. It’s a juxtaposition that can cause heated conversations about gentrification from locals. These people understandably don’t like the cost brought by these boxy homes and the transplants like me that cause them. Their bumper stickers yell NATIVE and GO HOME in opposition, even though the Cheyenne and Arapaho tribes claim to the title and land makes actual sense. These are often the same descendants of immigrants that now oppose immigration with no better medium for expression than their bumpers. It’s must be hard, always being under attack.

I moved my rat race to Denver and I suppose I’m somewhat sorry. But as a broke, indebted boy and invader myself, saving for a rental deposit, I just wish I could afford any place. Even a boxy home would do.

There’s honks from outside and a rumble in the basement of my own stomach. So I pick up my wallet and keys, piece together a pleasant picture bed with smooth covers and symmetrical pillows before the door closes behind me. The grocery store is a few blocks away and I know all these streets, at least.

Up ahead, there’s a lively gathering outside a house with one man dangling a rope from an upper window. I’m curious, but anxiety turns my feet and angles my path across the street in avoidance. I can still watch as I pass from there.

The house is flat, gray brick with red and green stones set into the corners of its walls and windows. The effect is sturdy and — with the trees offering their shade, vines climbing, virile up the walls — somewhat magical. Having made progress down the street, I could see a boy, grinning, blindfolded and clutching a small bat in front of a pinata. The man in the window looked to be tying his rope now and I heard voices speaking Spanish for him to hurry: Andale! Andale!

The crowd on the sidewalk bristled and fidgeted in excitement while, I could now see, the birthday boy took some practice swings. There were older relatives in the backyard looking on from tables and chairs and picnic tables. I notice for the first time that it really was a great day. The wind was slight and cooling with the sun adding only enough heat for a good summer day. The pinata was a paper mache circle with spikes, a little newsprint still visible beneath blue paint and red and green tissue paper. Matriarchs and patriarchs both stand sentry with cameras in hand.  

I’m not sure I remember exactly, or if my memory has been enhanced by photo albums of a birthday of my own: my mom letting me cut strips of newspaper and feeling special about the trip to the craft store to get paints, glue and a big pack of balloons. She used one large bowl, the bow usually reserved for the exalted task of Frog Eye Salad preparation, to create the cast for a dome in what would become the top of an R2D2 robot from Star Wars. My mom passed away around half my life ago now but she still manages to find me when I need her.

THIS IS OUR FINAL DESTINATION

At the party, everyone talked about my R2D2 pinata and I was proud and happy. I remember my mom’s floral dress at my party and the little plastic bags she gave out for everyone to collect candy when I’d broken open R2D2 with a mixture of excitement and loss, my robot friend spilling his guts.

Like losing something favorite, special. The surprise ending seeming far off and complicated from the innocence of being a kid. Loss, an ignition into action until, forced inert, I can face why the lost shines in me. Finite, gone, yet reckoning I have everything I need to thrive.

The day brightens in me. I glance down, I smile and miss her, hearing the first hack of a bat against hardened paper and glue from down the street. I am home.